Unauthorized engine work

Suspect

Grahms, Wayne

Vehicle

Rusted pickup, hood already up

Tools

Beer, butter knife, unearned confidence

Injuries

Pride. One engine. The knife is fine.

STATEMENT: Subject said the truck “just needed a little love.” Truck filed a counter-complaint in smoke. Dog remained in the trash for the duration and is not considered a witness.

Watch the shorts →

Unlawful text message

Complainant

Brunette, black dress, heels

Evidence

Wayne's phone, still unlocked

Alibi

“It was about a generator”

Injuries

The vibe. Possibly the generator story.

STATEMENT: Phone records do not mention a generator. Subject kept grinning. Porch went quiet. Dog did not look up and is therefore the only professional on scene.

Watch the shorts →

Gravity, aggravated

Involved

Porch blonde, yellow bikini, fishnets

Cause

Cheap lumber, expensive heels

Witness

Grahms, rating the landing

Injuries

Dust. Dignity. One fishnet.

STATEMENT: Subject on the porch gave it a thumbs up and did not offer a hand. Steps have been “about to get fixed” since 2019. Case closed because nobody asked us to open it.

Watch the shorts →

Fireworks inside a grill

Suspect

Grahms, plus “a guy named Rick”

Intent

Fourth of July in March

Result

Grill is now modern art

Injuries

Eyebrows, temporarily

STATEMENT: Subject said it would “look sick.” It did. HOA that does not exist issued a warning that also does not exist. Rick could not be located. Rick is probably Rick.

Mailbox vs. bat

Suspect

Unknown. Hat looks familiar.

Weapon

Aluminum bat, sentimental

Motive

Junk mail with his government name

Injuries

The box. The flag still works.

STATEMENT: Mail now lives in a milk crate. Subject denies involvement while wearing the same orange shirt in the only camera that works, which is a neighbor's porch and the neighbor wants beer money to talk.

Casserole, disputed ownership

Complainant

Unit 4, name withheld

Item

Hot dish, Tupperware lid missing

Suspect

Wayne “was just walking past”

Injuries

Trust. The lid is still missing.

STATEMENT: Subject claims he thought it was a potluck. There was no potluck. There is never a potluck. The dog will not confirm or deny licking the container.